If you tell yourself any of these lines, this article is for you:
“I have to be perfect”
“My life is more difficult than everyone else’s”
“I am too old or I am too young”
“If I ignore it, it will go away”
What we tell ourselves is what we believe. We often decide that we can’t do something without
even trying. When we do so, we are effectively telling ourselves that the answer is ‘no’ without
even asking the question. Negative self-talk is a clear sign that you need to rewrite your story.
Our story affects what we do, where we go and how we approach life. A powerful story leads to
a life of opportunity – change your story and you change your life!
How is our story created in the first place, you ask? Well according to the Theory of Narrative
Identity, developed by Dr. Dan McAdams, our identity is created when we integrate and
internalize experiences into an evolving story of ourselves which gives sense and meaning to
our lives. This narrative integrates our reconstructed past, perceived present and imagined
future. What’s interesting is that all three coexist at the same time – at least in our mind. That’s
why William Faulkner (American writer) says, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” What
this fundamentally means to us is that by changing the narrative of our past, we simultaneously
change the narrative of our present and future.
That’s where the concept of ‘The Gap and The Gain” comes in handy. But first, let’s just all
agree that the story of ourselves is continually evolving and changing depending on the
experiences we are having. Though the facts about our past don’t change, the story we tell
ourselves about them absolutely does. Not only that, but in most parts we are unconscious of
how this meaning-making process is being altered day in day out based on the experiences we
are having. The result of that often shapes limiting stories based on emotions associated with
those experiences.
If our story is not serving us anymore, if it is not what we want to tell about ourselves, ‘The Gap
and the Gain’ reframing technique suggested by Dan Sullivan would come in handy here.
According to Sullivan, most of us live in ‘The Gap’, we constantly see what is missing in any
given experience. For example, you might be given a present from someone and soon realize
that it isn’t exactly to your liking. And though you do appreciate the gesture on some level, you
still think about how it would have been even a better gesture had they given you exactly what
you wanted. That’s called living in ‘The Gap’.
Sullivan says that most people don’t like goal setting because it is emotionally difficult to deal
with ‘failure’. In essence, this feeling of letdown is not a problem caused by setting goals but
rather caused by focusing on the wrong thing. Again, your emotional problems are occurring
due to unintelligent meaning-making.
Bottom line: rather than measuring yourself against your ideals, start measuring yourself
against where you were before.
So far this reframing technique sounds very similar to what we use in coaching all the time.
What I found interesting is how “The Gap and the gain” reframing technique is also associated
to our ‘selective attention’ and how our brain works. What I mean here is the following: when we
create meaning, we create a lens through which we see the world. Our brains then adapt to this
meaning-making process by ‘selectively’ paying attention to things that are relevant to our
narrative and ignores information that doesn’t fit with that narrative. Constantly living in ‘The
Gap, like many of us are, we would continuously see what is lacking in ourselves, others and
the world.
Here is how you shift from the gap to the gain from How to Rewrite Your Past Narrative by
Benjamin Hardy Ph.D.
- Think of experiences that you think have negatively impacted your life
- List all benefits, learnings or opportunities that have come as a result of those negative
experiences - Think about your current view of the cause of those experiences. Then, rethink the
cause. Is it possible that there’s more to what happened than you initially thought? - Think about how these experiences have shaped your view of life and of the world.
Then, rethink your view of life and the world. If you looked at this event differently, how
would that change how you view life? How would it change how you feel about other
people? - Think about how these experiences have shaped your identity, and how you view
yourself. Then, rethink your identity. Focus on the gains, not the gaps. How have you
grown because of these experiences? What strengths or opportunities have come
because you went through this? Why is your future going to be different because you’ve
been through this? What are you committed to doing and being because of what you’ve
learned? How could you help other people? Given that you’ve gone through such
difficulty, what does this say about you as a person? What does this say about what you
could do in the future?
Tony Robbins puts it in 5 simple steps below: - Examine your bad habits
- Practice your healthy habits every day
- Focus on self-reflection
- Surround yourself with good people
- Keep taking risks
